The countdown is on! With the NBA season less than a month away, GBB is getting you ready for the season with the Hater’s Guide, a 100% sarcastic breakdown of all 30 teams.
As a note, these guides are meant to be fully satirical and humorous. As such, nothing contained within these should be taken seriously.
Team: The Brooklyn Circles
2017-18 Record: 28-54
Their Star Player: Spencer Dinwiddie! How garbage do you have to be that somehow Spencer Dinwiddie gets to be your team’s marketable superstar? Dinwiddie tweets at the NBA account to tag him in highlight videos; he likes Dragon Ball Z; and he has a cool fro. All of this makes him fun to cheer for. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that if Dinwiddie was on almost any other team, he’d be a decent role player at best.
What’s New to Hate: This year’s veteran brought into be a “mentor” to the young Nets is Jared Dudley. Dudley has spent the last two seasons being a sub-par role player on the worst team in the league. Hopefully the Suns stink didn’t rub off on him, or the Nets will spend their first draft pick in half a decade on a non-shooting power forward.
Since they traded Jeremy Lin to Atlanta for who knows why, they brought in Shabazz Napier, who will forever be thought of as the guy that LeBron James called his favorite player in the draft. Of course, as soon as Napier was drafted by Miami, James bolted for Cleveland, so they never got to play together. Anyway, Napier has spent the last couple of years being one of the few Portland Trail Blazers who weren’t being massively overpaid. I’m sure he’ll feel right at home here with Allen Crabbe and Kenneth Faried, who was salary dumped from Denver.
What We’ve Always Hated: Most of the media spent the offseason slurping the Nets’ offseason moves because I guess they’re getting graded on a curve now. “Oh, they didn’t trade three first round picks for aging stars? Wow! A++!” No one has cared about this team for the past four seasons because they’re bad, and they have no way of getting better any time soon. The biggest accomplishment of the Nets’ past 4 years was getting David Fizdale fired.
Of course, to ruin all that goodwill they’ve built up by actually trying (most of the time anyway), the Nets are actually going to try and be good this season! What the hell, man? You finally have your draft pick for the first time in years. This is when you’re supposed to intentionally suck! NOW IS THE TIME TO TANK! Enjoy making the playoffs because the East is a tire fire and miring yourself in another decade of being mediocre-at-best.
And yet even worse than the endless praise for doing nothing is the team’s branding. The Nets try to be the sleek, hip basketball team that’s loved by east coast tech bros. They moved out of New Jersey into the Center of the Hipster Universe to play second fiddle to the Knicks. They rebranded as a circle because HUR DUR, THE BASKETBALL IS A CIRCLE. This team is the personification of the fake deep Instagram quotes. They are Gentrification: The Franchise, and they will never escape the shadow of the Knicks, which is the most depressing realization anyone could possibly have.
A Net you may have forgotten: Joe Harris. Joe Harris making $8 million a year because hey, why not.